Thus Quoth the Raven
by ObliviousWarrior89
Summary: AU, Set many years into the future, we watch the Bleach gang enjoy their new positions and their new partners. IchigoXRukia, ShunsuiXNanao, RenjiXRangiku, ToshiroXMomo, and some other OCxOC pairings. R&R, please. T for language.
1. Life's a BLEACH

**Thus Quoth the Raven**

I'll bet you're all wondering why the hell I haven't updated Nothing Can Be Explained. Well, I've developed some strange kind of writer's block that won't let me write any more of it until I can clear some of the random junk out of my head. Said random junk being that for some reason my soul takes my body on shinigami joyrides in my dreams. I keep bumping into these characters that I don't know, and I finally decided to take them and chronicle them into something on paper. Perhaps in doing this, I can finally unblock myself from completing Nothing Can Be Explained. Who knows? Maybe I'll just make this a sequel and finish off Nothing with a couple more chapters.

Anyway… ficwards!

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Chapter 1: Life's a BLEACH 

The Captain of Squad Six looked at the massive stack of paperwork adorning her desk. As she began to sort through it, she sighed heavily. _How did Nii-sama ever get through all this when HE worked here?I imagine Renji must've done some of it…_But Renji was nowhere to be seen. Being the Captain of Squad Nine, and having to look after his children, Renji was a very busy man and didn't have much time on his hands. After all, his wife was a very busy woman, especially when her taichou had forbidden her to sleep off hangovers on the couch in her office ever again. Hitsugaya was determined now more than ever to load her with paperwork, especially since she no longer had any excuses to shrug it off. _But that's beside the point… What_, the Sixth Squad Captain mused,_ am I to do with all of this?_

"Oi, midget!" A strawberry-flavored voice barked in her ear. "Time to go home."

The raven-haired captain yelped and leapt out of her seat. "You idiot! I could've spilled ink all over my desk! Do you have any idea how much trouble I'd get into if I turned in my paperwork covered in ink AGAIN!?!? The Head Captain would- MMF!"

Her sentence dangled in midair unfinished, as something was obstructing her mouth in a very un-Captain-like manner. That something was her orange-haired, devil-may-care, i-don't-take-shit-from-nobody husband, Ichigo Kurosaki. Or more accurately, that something was his lips, engaged in a game of tonsil hockey with his unsuspecting wife.

"Mmm," Rukia attempted to speak. "Fine," she managed to get out. "What do you suggest I do about this paperwork, _Captain_ Kurosaki?"

The Captain of Squad Thirteen shrugged. "Why not just leave it for your adjutant, Captain _Kurosaki_?"

Rukia thought about this for a moment. "Ne, might as well, it's not like he doesn't spend his entire time here anyway. At least he can have something constructive to do." Rukia called out, "Kuchiki-fukutaichou, I'm going home. Can you take care of the leftover paperwork?"

"Hai, taichou, I'm coming," a young man said. With long raven hair and an imposing demeanor, Kensado Kuchiki was not quite the young noble heir he was expected to be. For one thing, he never wore his kenseikan except when at gatherings: he hated the looks he got when walking in public. He also disliked formality: he said that while it was indeed the job of the nobles to shoulder the world, that did not mean for one second that the common folk were so beneath him that they should trip over themselves at his whim.

Rukia took in his features once more. The man wore his long hair in a very strange fashion. Over his left eye he let hang one long bang, so that very little of that side of his face could be seen unless he moved it out of the way. The other bang was laid out across his right temple, exposing a long scar that went from his forehead above the eyebrow down to his cheek. He kept his right eye closed almost always, although the only one who knows why is Kensado himself (He like to freak people out with it.)

"You called for me, Kurosaki-taichou?" the Vice-Captain asked.

"Take over for me. My husband here needs a lesson on how to _politely_ interrupt someone while they're working…"

Ichigo smirked. "What she means is, she wants to take me home and 'punish' me, heh heh…"

Kensado sweatdropped. "I understand, captains. I'll take over the paperwork. Say hello to Mako-san for me, won't you, cousin?"

Rukia stopped pummeling Ichigo for a moment, and put on her fake act. "Of course we will, won't we, Ichigo?"

"Yeah, sure. Later, Kensado-san," Ichigo mumbled as he walked out the door with Rukia.

Kensado chuckled and took one look at the stack of papers.

The couple outside heard a loud shout of agony. "Guess he noticed the paperwork," Rukia giggled.

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Well? How'd you like it? I've got at least enough meat left on paper to fill up one or two more chapters. By the way, after the next couple, you will think I'm positively the most evil person on the interwebs… after you see what I've done to some of the pairings other people try to use. Muahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!! 


	2. For the Sake of the Children?

**Thus Quoth the Raven**

Okay, time for chapter two! I've already gotten one review! Yay! Don't worry, plenty of pairings (some good, some most certainly crack, muahahahahaha!) are coming up in the next few chapters, and there will be enough deadpan humor and suggestiveness to make many of you shoot milk out of your nose (even if you haven't been drinking it). And I'm not going to bother with a disclaimer, because if I were Tite Kubo, this stuff would be in manga form right now :P

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Chapter 2: For the Sake of the Children?

Ichigo and Rukia were laughing about Kensado's paperwork troubles almost the whole way home. Then Ichigo sighed. Apparently, Kensado wasn't the only one who had paperwork problems. Rukia laughed at him when he told her that because his vice-captain was in the human world on assignment, he got stuck with all of the extra paperwork, because his third seat officers Kiyone and Sentaro, were always at the home of former Squad Thirteen Captain Jûshiro Ukitake, and never had time to do anything to give him a hand.

Just as the couple rounded a corner, a familiar voice made itself known with a cry of "Otousan!!!!" Though he tried to dodge the surprise attack, Ichigo was flattened by his son.

Rukia sighed very loudly. "Mako, what did your father tell you about jumping him in the middle of the night?"

Mako smirked. "That I shouldn't because it'll spoil his dinner?"

Ichigo mumbled _smartass_ under his breath. He then got up and dusted himself off. Sighing as he followed his family into the house, Ichigo wondered why his son got the 'crazy gene' that Isshin had certainly possessed.

Rukia looked at the state of her house. _Something isn't quite right here_… Perhaps that would be the fact that the house is completely intact, with everything the way it was when she left it.

"Mako!" Rukia called.

"Yes, okaasan?"

"Where's your sister?"

"Uh… She's in her room."

"Why is that?"

"Because I caught her doing kidô again."

Rukia face-palmed as she exclaimed, "D'oh!"

Mako's little sister Yoruhime was a constant pain in the bankai for two reasons. One, she had Ichigo's attitude regarding anything that she didn't express concern over. And two, she had Rukia's talent for kidô (along with her raven hair, identical down to the bang that hangs over her left eye.) Rukia would have been delighted with this had it not been for one small problem. The demon spawn of Tôshirô Hitsugaya were the ones who taught Yoruhime kidô. Never mind the fact that Momo was very supportive of her children's teaching, and supplemented it whenever she could (who better to learn from than a kidô master?)

Rukia sighed heavily. "Yoruhime, sweetie? Come on out here…"

"Yes, okaasan." The small child came out of her room to face her mother. She began to pout.

"Explain yourself."

"It wasn't my fault! Kyôraku-san was being hentai!"

Ichigo sat upright, shouting, "He was being WHAT!?!?"

Mako interjected quickly. "He was NOT! Haruko was just being polite!"

"What do you mean, Mako?" Ichigo frowned.

"Haruko was trying to be nice and said that 'Hime's kimono looked very pretty and she took it completely the wrong way!"

Rukia said, "Continue."

"She called him a pervert and blasted him with Pale Fire Crash," Mako explained. "I told her to go home and stay there while I rushed Haruko to the Fourth Division, and then came home to check on 'Hime."

Rukia chuckled. She turned to Yoruhime and said in a sweet voice, "Sweetie, you can't just blast every boy who compliments your clothing with a hadô. After all, it's not their fault you look gorgeous!" Mako and Ichigo sweatdropped. "Let me tell you what Haruko was trying to do…" she said, and brought out her sketchbook.

Several crude Chappy drawings later…

Ichigo and Mako were drooling as they stared blankly at Rukia's drawings, while Yoruhime cheered on her okaasan. As this continued, a hell butterfly fluttered in and landed on Ichigo's shoulder.

"SAY WHAT!?!?" he shouted.

Rukia looked at him over her sketchpad. "What's going on?"

"_Yare, yare_… there's some trouble in east Rukon. Reports of a garganta opening up—"

Rukia's eyes grew wide. "Children, lock the door and put a bakudo on it! Ichigo, let's go!"

Mako barely had time to register the instructions before their parents had drawn their zanpaku-tô and took off toward the threat. He sighed before saying, "C'mon, 'Hime, we better do what she says…" He did not notice the figures clad in white appear out of an opening a few meters away.

The taller one spoke. "You'd think the bastard would have the sense to put a seal on the door."

"He didn't have to," answered the shorter. "The girl's putting a bakudo on the door."

"Really? _Muy interesante_… maybe she is worth taking after all," said the first.

"_Perra!_ We're supposed to take the girl."

"_Facile, facile!_ We will. But can I munch the boy? His spiritual pressure smells delicious."

"Lord Aizen didn't say anything about the boy. That usually means he doesn't care. Do as you please, _desperado_."

"_Finalemente!_ A feast, after so long…"

The two arrancar whirled around, after feeling a very sharp increase in spiritual pressure coming from behind them.

A figure was approaching. A figure with long black hair and a scar down his right eye.

"Look what I've found… intruders."

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Well? How as chapter two? I hope you all enjoyed it! I wonder what's going to happen, heh heh… perhaps you'll just have to read chapter three when I post it, muahahahahahaa! 


	3. Thunder As My Blade

**Thus Quoth the Raven**

Oh, goodie! You guys get to see Kensado kick some arrancar ass! I purposefully left out their names, because I didn't want to make one up and they aren't going to live long enough to warrant having names in the first place. I might end this chapter with just the fight… or I might give you guys something else to kick and scream about. Who knows?

Oh and /disclaimer.

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Chapter Three: Thunder As My Blade

"Who the hell are you supposed to be?" the smaller arrancar taunted.

The raven-haired young man answered, "I suppose I should ask you the same. But then, I don't need to. Your reiatsu positively reeks of arrancar, and there's a standing order to slay any that happen to stray out of Hueco Mundo." He stepped into the light, showing his adjutant's badge.

Seeing that their opponent was a captain-class officer, the two arrancar wasted no time in drawing their swords and striking similar yet distinct stances. The shorter of the two smirked as he charged a Cero blast, preparing to take the Vice-Captain by surprise.

"You're far too slow to hit me with that…" said a voice behind the short one.

The arrancar's eyes widened, just as two wounds opened up, one on his chest, the other on his back. He slumped to the ground and died as Kensado removed his head.

As he cleaned the blood from his blade, the taller arrancar applauded him.

"Senka, if I'm not mistaken? Flawlessly executed, if I may say so."

Putting on his 'noble attitude', Kensado gave the arrancar a blank look. "Flattery will get you nowhere. _I_ know it was flawless." He pointed the tip of his sword at the enemy. "I will say this only once: back down. I may have pity on you, and make your death as painless as possible."

The arrancar frowned. "Painless? Sorry… I never mentioned that I'm a masochist, did I?" he posed, cackling madly.

"All the better for me then… looks like my sword won't rust any time soon," Kensado answered, snapping off a trademark Kuchiki glare.

"Fly… _Raisagashou_."

Kensado's zanpaku-to extended and morphed into a curious looking scythe with a sharp spearhead at the bottom.

"Wicked," the arrancar appraised. "Think you can hit me with that?" he sneered.

A voice behind him mused, "Why not?" as the curved blade came crashing down, only to meet a parry by the arrancar.

"You're pretty fast, shinigami."

Kensado glared as he pressed the attack. "Do not speak to me as if I were some lowly commoner. I am Kensado Kuchiki, and you will speak up to me until your doom."

"Oh? A Kuchiki, huh? Like the guy with the cherry blossoms? Che, this'll be cake." The arrancar started zipping around the area, trying to get his opponent to waste energy chasing him.

"You can't get close enough to cut me with your sickle, sucker! Hahahahaha!"

Kensado's expression remained blank. "Who said I'd need to get closer?"

The arrancar tilted its head quizzically.

"Extend,_Raisagashou_," Kensado commanded, as he slid the upper grip of his scythe toward the lower one, revealing a long chain connecting the blade to the now longer handle in his left hand. Gripping the chain in his right, Kensado began to twirl the blade in the air.

The arrancar's eyes bulged out of his head. He started to pick up his pace, trying to dodge the unpredicted change in tactics. Seeing an opportunity, he grabbed the chain as it was being pulled back to its master.

"Gotcha, shinigami!" the arrancar yelled in triumph.

"Is that so?" Kensado's voice said, from behind him.

"Huh?"

"_Bakudo 61, Six Bars of Light_." The arrancar cursed himself as the six rods of the binding spell slammed into his midsection. Taking advantage of his opponent's immobility, Kensado seized the chain and then threw it once more, wrapping the arrancar in it. He once more uttered a command. "_Hajirai_."

The chain pulsed with electricity, electrocuting his captive and forcing him to his knees. Kensado then pointed the spear headed tip of his weapon at the arrancar and uttered another command.

"_Zekko no Raiga_."

It seemed as though a lightning bolt flew out of the weapon and impaled the arrancar. When the flash of light faded, a second chain appeared to have gone through the creature, with the point hanging limply out of its back. What happened next was, in an understatement, entirely unexpected.

The arrancar slowly stirred, and lifted its head to look at Kensado. It began to howl with laughter. "Heh heh… ha… Hahahahahaha! Ahahahahahahahahahaa! The pain…" the arrancar screamed. "It's so… so… SATISFYING! It feels… so… GOOD!"

"Hmph."

"What's the matter, shinigami? Did I disappoint you?"

"The Thunder Fang Bite did not kill you. I wasn't expecting it to, but one could only hope… I guess I'll have to show it to you then. A shame… foes such as you aren't really worthy to see it, but I really do have to kill you."

"Show what to me, shinigami?"

"_Bankai_."

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AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! I SO went there. So how'd you like it? I wanted to put bankai in this chapter… but it was getting pretty long… so I'll show it to you next chapter. Might throw in some more kido while I'm at it… anyway, sorry I haven't showed any more hookups, but you guys love action too, don't you? 


	4. Death of a Puppet

**Thus Quoth The Raven**

Okay gonna go straight into Chapter Four with this one. I want to get this done as soon as possible, or I'll forget and my fans will salivate until they drown in their own saliva. I'm wickedly evil like that, don't let me fool you. Anyway, enough of the technical mumbo-jumbo, time to go ficwards! By the way, the name of this chapter is in honor of my friend's screenplay, _The Death of a Puppet_. I really hope he gets someone to make it into a movie!

/disclaimer

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Chapter Four: Death of a Puppet

"_Bankai_."

If the arrancar's eyes could get any wider, they certainly would have burst out of his skull. "Huh?" it said weakly.

Still held in place by the _rikujokoro_, the arrancar was freed of the chains that bound him as they vanished into the air. In Kensado's hands was the seemingly unreleased form of his zanpaku-to.

The arrancar was about to make a taunt about the size of his weapon when a massive surge of electricity struck the ground around him, followed by thousands of lightning bolts. Once they struck the ground, the lightning transformed into large pillars.

"_Senbonzanten Raisagashou_," Kensado finished. The pillars shot chains from their centers, each one coiling around the helpless arrancar. The breaking of bones could be heard coming from within.

"Nice try… but I'm still here, shinigami!" a muffled voice cried out.

"You're resilience is admirable. But this is where it ends."

Kensado let go of his sword as it turned into a thunderbolt. As the chains detached from the pillars, they morphed into a large black box, encasing the creature within.

"_Senbonzanten Raisagashou_…_ Hitsugi no Raiken_." At Kensado's final command, the pillars each turned into thunderbolts, which flew toward the box. After positioning themselves around it, upon being joined by Kensado's blade, the swords skewered the box and its helpless victim.

As the box and the swords vanished, and his zanpaku-to reverted to its sealed state, Kensado inspected the remains of his foe. There was no question that the arrancar had perished. If the thousand swords of lightning piercing him hadn't finished it, the insane surge of electricity that followed certainly had. NOTHING could survive that amount of electricity without being made of metal.

"Still… just to be sure…"

Kensado approached the arrancar he'd caught with his bankai first. He held out his fist toward the corpse and called out, "_Hado 54, Abolishing Flames_." The destruction spell hit its target, incinerating the body completely. He walked over to the one he'd killed with senka, and repeated the spell. He then stood up and walked toward the Sixth Division, seemingly oblivious to the mass of onlookers that had been watching the fight for some time.

Sighing, Kensado flicked his bang back in front of his left eye. And with a shunpo, he was gone.

Realizing they'd seen the last of the show, the crowd began to disperse, leaving two very stupefied captains: Ichigo and Rukia. It was the former who spoke first.

"I'm glad he isn't like Byakuya."

"Me too, otousan," said a small voice at his elbow. Apparently, the bakudo on the door (Number 81, the Splitting Void, to be exact) had been released, and the children emerged from the _danku_ to see how the battle had ended.

"GAH! Yoruhime, don't do that! I nearly jumped out of my konpaku!"

Rukia sighed as her husband took her children back into the house. She then spoke aloud to seemingly no one.

"Have you been watching this whole time, _nii-sama_?"

"Of course… Rukia," said the man at her shoulder. Upon his raven hair rested a kenseikan, and around his neck a very expensive _ginpaku kazahana no uzuginu_ (in plain English, a scarf). His name was none other than Byakuya Kuchiki.

"Now I can see why you have such faith in him," he continued.

"He _is_ a Kuchiki, _nii-sama_."

"How long has he been capable of bankai?"

"A few years now. Only he and Ichigo really know."

Byakuya raised an eyebrow.

"Ichigo trained him night and day. He taught Kensado how to wield loose weapons, so that he could handle the chain better."

"And senka?" Byakuya asked.

"Also Ichigo's doing."

Byakuya's eyes widened slightly. "With that oversized meat cleaver?"

Rukia nodded.

"The mechanics seem… unpleasant."

"Do you think he's ready for a Captain's position?" Rukia asked.

"Such skill should not go unrewarded. I shall recommend him to the soutaichou." Byakuya peered at Rukia for a moment. She was being very conscious of herself, a thing that was entirely unlike her. The only time she had ever been this way in front of him was for two nine-month stints in the distant past… Byakuya smiled inwardly.

"And Rukia?"

"Yes, _nii-sama_?"

"Tell your husband I said congratulations… again."

_Oh no!_ Rukia thought frantically. _How did Nii-sama know that I'm-_

"Pregnant?" Byakuya finished. "I didn't. Your reaction was plain enough." And then he was gone.

She walked toward the house, hand over her currently-small stomach. _How am I going to break the news to-_

"Ichigo!" She blurted aloud. She had bumped into him on her way back.

"Hey," he said coolly. "What did Byakuya want?"

"He just wanted to talk about Kensado."

"Oh. Well, what about him?"

"He's going to be recommended for a Captain post."

"Really? Sounds great. What division?"

"I don't know." Rukia sighed. "Ichigo? Can I tell you something?"

Ichigo frowned. "What is it?"

"Do you remember your birthday a couple of weeks ago?"

Ichigo grinned sheepishly. He put his hands behind his head and blushed. "Yeah, heh heh, I remember… we nearly woke the kids."

"Guess what?"

Ichigo's eyes got really wide. "Don't tell me. You're-"

"Yep."

His eye twitched slightly. "Um, Ichigo?" Rukia asked as she took a step back.

Ichigo finally exploded, a shower of words booming from his chest. "WAHOO! YA HEAR THAT, SEIREITEI? I'M GONNA BE A DADDY! AGAIN!"

Rukia sweatdropped._What do you know, he does have the 'crazy gene'_.

She looked over at her children and sighed. _This is going to take some explaining…_

* * *

Am I evil or what? Come on… you know you want to say it… go on… say it…

Ichigo: You're evil.

YAY! Anywho, figured I'd post this one and then take a year long break. Just kidding! I'm not good enough yet for that kind of an attitude. Reviews would be nice. I'm not asking for them but I do need some feedback on my writing. Otherwise, I'll suck at this probably forever. Later, taters!


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